Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
------------------------------------------------------- Name:___________________________ Date of Birth:______________________ Height:____________ Weight:____________ I.Q.___________ GPA:_________ Social Security Number:___________________ Driver's License #:____________ Boy Scout Rank:____________________________________________ Home Address:____________________________ City:____________________ State:____________________________ Zip Code:_______________________ Do you own a (A)Van?____ (B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ (C)Waterbed?_____ Do you have an earing, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________ NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of the questions above, discontinue the application process and leave the premises! In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__ _______________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________ __________________________________________________________________________ Church you Attend:____________________________ How often do you attend?______________________ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________ Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone, ever) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________. A Women's place is in the _________________________. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________. In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted. My greatest fear is__________________________________________. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________. NOTE: If the answer to the last question begins with a "B", discontinue the application process and leave the premises. Keep your head low; running in a serpentine fashion is advised. What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________ Have you ever been fingerprinted?______ Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________ Your dentist is__________________ Emergency phone #_________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND/OR HOT POKERS. Signature________________________ Thank you for your interest. Please allow 5-7 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. (It could cause disqualification and injury to your body.)